18th Jan

So I've had a brilliant day today *note the sarcasm*

Before I start my joyous rant I would like to say that I found a good YouTube artist,, check out LawsonsLyrics, Darren the singer is pretty good and the songs are catchy,, I especially love Get Around I Love You,, and Mindi-Lou is sooo sad but sweet. And theres one Cant Escape My Love I THINK its called, yeah well if anyone actually read this, you can check him out ;)

First thing I had a chemistry exam which wasnt too bad expect exams scare me shitless with my social phobia and all being locked in a room for up to 3 hours with a shitload of students = scary. Granted they put me in the special rooms with all the dumb kids who get extra time but that just makes me feel retarded. Especially when people ask me why I'm in there, cause it looks like I'm dumb (which FYI I am not, I am in top sets in ALL my subjects... well, except PE but I chose to go in bottom set to be with my friends.)

Then after lovely chemistry (my worst subject along with maths just so you know) I had my third worst subject PHYSICS,, and not only that I has a practical assessment (basically an exam just in the classroom) and guess what I had next lesson? PHYSICS AGAIN WOOHOO!! *please note that my typed words are DRIPPING with sarcasm right now*

And I was feeling pretty shit throughout all this thanks to my epic illness, and so what did I do? Why of course me being the baby I am just HAD to go home. Not only affecting my attendance but meaning I missed English which I do actually love and REALLY dont want to get behind on. And now my mother is going to come home and nag me about missing more school.

And frick, my shoulder/neck is killing me right now,, you know that part where your neck joins your back right in the middle of your shoulders... tbh its been hurting me for years now. I think its my school bags, seriously my school should invest in lockers.

Oh back to my bad day ranting shall we? ;)

So I get home and my internet is on the blink again,, and then when my dad comes home he tells me that my grandmother is in hospital cause she hasnt eaten for 3 days and thats messed with her diabetes. So yeah, I'm absolutely brilliant right now.

Jeez, I need a drink...

5th Jan

So my family and I are going on holiday in February, Florida. And let me tell you this. I am dreading it.

I hate holidays I hate being away from home. I can barely last a couple of hours in the city centre without my illness flaring up, how am I meant to last 10 fucking days in fucking America with a shitty rental car that stinks so much I feel sick before I've even got to the hotel.

Seriously, 10 days with my family is a NIGHTMARE, I'm a pretty simple person I like my alone time I mean if they just left me by the hotel pool with my ipod and a couple of books I think it would be the best holiday ever. But no, WE have to go and EXPLORE! Go on shitty nature walks to get bitten by bug and see alligators (honestly you see one you've seen them all so what is the fricking point) or go and find little cafes and restaurants so that my father can stuff his face with greasy American food, I mean seriously cause THATS not gonna make me sick? I DONT WANT TO SEE TWO TURTLES FUCKING EACH OTHER OR EAT KEY LIME PIE I WANT TO CHILL!! Isn't that what your supposed to do on Holiday? Not get stressed out.

Cause seriously if they're dragging my around Florida all day I will be o stressed out, I mean my brain will go into overdrive thinking through escape routes. Cause thats what I do when I'm panicking, I dont even realise I'm panicking I try to be so rational I end up irrational! I'm allways thinking if I do THIS then this might happen but if I do THIS that will happen, it gives me a headache and I just end up melting down and either having a panic attack or crying bot of which I know my father wont be able to handle and then if he gets mad I'll get mad and it'll just ruin the whole holiday.

And yes I know he said we didnt HAVE to go on holiday if I didnt want to but my mum wanted to, she got pissed last time I stopped us going on holiday. And honestly right now I hate her for pressuring me into this. Its going to be a nightmare. HELL OF EARTH!

And I can guarantee when we get back I will not speak to them. Which I have never done before but I swear this is just pushing me over the edge, I'm freaking out already and we have another month before we go!

Seriously I dont see why they cant just leave me at the pool, I want to read I want to chill. THAT is my idea of a holiday, READING. I have an imagination that I like to use, I dont have to actually SEE stuff tat I DONT GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT. But I know if I ask this then my dad will get pissed off like 'Its a holiday, I'm not spending bla bla amount of money just so you can read.' so technically hes just paying a shitload of money to TORTURE ME! Thanks a fucking lot father. And my mother ill be like oh no, you might get snatched. I'm like hello I've been to foreign countries on my own before. I'm not stupid I can take care of myself. Hell, I am the most independent person I know. Seriously in YEAR 7 when I was ELEVEN I managed a holiday in France on my own. Yeah it was a school trip but the teachers were only there for the coach ride the rest of the time I WAS ON MY OWN, occasionally ONE friend, but most of the time she wouldn't go on the rides with me so I went on my OWN, and if your thinking 'but that was an amusement park' I'll have you know that the year after I went to the coast of France with a different totally irresponsible friend may I add (she tried to hook up with some random guy she met in the street, AT 13!) and we were on our own again (the teachers let us do whatever) and I managed to look after us both, we didnt get kidnapped! And I'd be in the HOTEL! no ones gonna snatch me out of the HOTEL I wouldn't let them, I may be small but dont think I cant pack a punch, I'm not a freaking 5 year old. And I have the common sense not to talk to strangers or go into random peoples hotel rooms. In another year I'll be going on holidays COMPLETELY on my own (well with friends but you know what I mean). Why cant they just let me stay, swim and sleep?

Seriously, I just want to read a book by the pool with my ipod in. Then go back to the hotel room watch a movie and fall asleep. And maybe one day go to Hot Topic to look at band merchandise.

I mean I DO love my family and all but god, I hate them, they drive me insane I CANNOT put up with them for 10 days, I can NOT go out EVERY SINGLE DAY for TEN days! I'm lethargic (often mistaken as lazy but I'm honestly not, I wish I had the energy to do stuff but I seriously dont) and miserable and cranky, pain makes you that way and I dont really want them watching me being in pain so I'll end up pushing them away. I psycho analyse stuff a lot I know.

They have no idea about my condition, they dont feel the pain, the panic I mean yeah they WATCH me go through it but they only see a tiny fraction of it. TINY FRACTION!! They have no clue! They dont know what goes through my head or body. Hell they know nothing. And all this ranting may sound selfish but this illness is MY burden to bear, they (well my mom) has had to deal with it enough, getting of work for hospital appointments and stuff but THEY WILL SUFFER WITH ME I DONT WANT THEM TO BUT THEY WILL!! I have no control over this illness it will consume me and if they are with me it will consume them as well. A black hole of misery.

... So that is my rant about why I do not want to go on holiday. Oh and also I'm missing a concert of a great band thats coming to my city xO

3rd Jan

I love my bedroom, its the one place that I can be myself in, I dont have to pretend to be 'fine', that I'm not sick and not in pain. I can be mental and spaztic, I can get lost in my imagination and write or I can get lost in other peoples imaginations by reading or watching a film.

You know I recon you could communicate through music and songs alone... say if you were mute or something you could send songs telling people how you feel,, there seems to be a song for everything... every emotion, every experience.

I am so sick of being sick, I'm always lethargic and in pain, the fear is just overpowering. I've given up hope of living the life I want, where I can be spontaneous and lively. I'm just sick, you know?

How depressing am I today? x'D