I still have severe social phobia but the good news is my depression doesnt seem to have come back strongly like it usually does over the summer holidays.
Friendwise, none of them care seeing as NO ONE is joining me at this new college, they are all staying at my school's sixth form. Only my bestfriend sees me and goes out to the cinema now and again (mainly because shes fallen out with everyone else) now other than a quick run in with a few on results day.
I am still petrified of people though, like seriously if I could live inside my bedroom all my life I would, I dont even like sitting down to watch TV with my family, but I need to get over it.
Its more the embarrasment of my illness than anything the problem is my illness is brought on by anxiety and it causes the anxiety aswell so really its just a vicious cycle.
And the hospital gave up on me, there was 'nothing they could do' so just discharged me as they didnt want to prescribe me anti-anxiety pills or anything. Fucking dhfuigrui
And well yeah, life sucks. I seriously want there to be a moment where someone is in trouble and needs rescuing so I can just go in there and save the day and die a hero. You know because I dont belive itss right to take your own life for no reason when you could use it to help other people instead. And then maybe my family wouldnt be so upset, because you know I helped someone else live and died for a reason.
PLUS the only good thing I ever had about my illness was that I lost weight but now I'm heavier than I have ever been... EVER I am soooo fat right now I swear I can only fit into about 4 pairs of my jeans.
I am seriously going to have a panic attack on my first day of college and I'll be known as a freak forever.
I just need to remember that if everything goes wrong and I embarrass myself so bad I can always move... maybe to the London or if its REALLY bad New York (though american food sucks) or Australia.
Anyway, Thats all.
