5th June 2009

Well,, I only lasted a lesson today, IT and we had a supply at least I finished my coursework for this year. We had a supply in maths which was the next lesson (I know this because Hallie texted me saying WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU WE HAVE A SUPPLY!). I was really bummed to disappoint her again as shes got no one else to talk to in maths.

I was off school yesterday too which was annoying cause I was meant to go to a revision thing for physics at lunch which I needed. It sucks, I had good lessons today too, in fact if you just replaced maths with art it would have been perfect!

I feel so shitty, When I'm sad I comfort eat, which probably isn't the best thing if you have problems with your digestive system. I was so humiliated and frustrated going to reception AGAIN, I swear I go there AT LEAST once a week, and I was feeling so shitty and embarrassed I started tearing up, and then everyone was like 'aww, are you ok?' and your trying to convince them your are and then a guy teacher just walks by and without even stopping walking throws some paper towels into my lap as if to say 'i hate criers', I'm just like 'thanks' and that set me off, I HATE crying. I'm one of those macho girls if you get me, hates showing emotion, like to be constantly happy even if its just a mask. I swear most of the time my act fools people. Before I got this illness I wanted to be an actress, I could have been a good one too, but my confidence has been shattered, I am terrified to even be in an assembly hall with people for goodness sakes!

Honestly when I was in primary school I was so bright, bubbly and confident, I was the cleverest girl in my class (not year though), I was the lead female role for the year 6 play, won the girl's academic achievement award in my end of primary school assembly (I didnt get the overall cause I was VERY fat back then), and had a lot of friends (and an on and off boyfriend not that we acted any different around each other than if we were just mates, omgosh I just saw a picture of him on facebook, he looks the same, just less chubby). Anyway they say high school is the best time of a persons life, theyre wrong primary school is.

So anyways I was just lazing around all day (I know I should have been revising), feeling crappy. I was reading heat magazine (I'm a movie and magazine fanatic) eating junk food while looking at pictures of skiny celebs on the beach really defeats the whole comforting thing, I mean they say hayden patineire is curvy!! WTH SHE HAS A WASHBOARD STOMACH PEOPLE, and she doesnt have hips or boobs, shes not curvy shes straight up straight down, I mean I wouldnt call myself curvy, my figures similar to her except without the washboard stomach and tan, and I'm a bit bigger, maybe, I can never tell if I'm fat or not, I'm 119 and 5ft 2ins, 32-34B, if that helps. Anyways people look different in pictures to real life right?so you'll never really know what you look like, unless maybe TV, but even that adds 10lb.

Anyways I'm blabbering on and on, my chicken salads getting cold... well the chicken part.

My mum came in earlier and was doing the whole are you ok? routine and is it just your stomach problems? noone being nasty?,, I'm just like no mother, I'm fine. Then she leans in and mouths 'boy trouble' I'm just like, no need to make it s awkward, and like anybody will want to be with me, especially if I get a flare up and am in the bathroom for most of the date. She says guys wont be put off cause I get nauseating cramps and upset stomachs all the time, I'm just like yea right. They'll be grossed out I mean it would gross any person out right?

So I wont date. I dont really have to worry though, no guys have shown any interest in me, except for Bill (kinda) *sad sigh* I miss him.

And apparently according to my mum I have a 'guard up' 'like my dad' ughh I HATE being compared to my dad. I resent him for my problems, cannot stand him, we have a complicated relationship, and dont get along.

I finished watching full house, I have now seen every episode (how sad is that).

Well I'm off, goo thing nobody reads my blog, that way nobody can know how pathetic I am (see why I choose to hide my name!) I'm considering putting a picture up, but I somehow need to hide my identitiy cause I would actually DIE if anyone I knew read this and figured out it was me.

If anyone can bother to read my blogs, please give me feedback :)