18th Jan

So I've had a brilliant day today *note the sarcasm*

Before I start my joyous rant I would like to say that I found a good YouTube artist,, check out LawsonsLyrics, Darren the singer is pretty good and the songs are catchy,, I especially love Get Around I Love You,, and Mindi-Lou is sooo sad but sweet. And theres one Cant Escape My Love I THINK its called, yeah well if anyone actually read this, you can check him out ;)

First thing I had a chemistry exam which wasnt too bad expect exams scare me shitless with my social phobia and all being locked in a room for up to 3 hours with a shitload of students = scary. Granted they put me in the special rooms with all the dumb kids who get extra time but that just makes me feel retarded. Especially when people ask me why I'm in there, cause it looks like I'm dumb (which FYI I am not, I am in top sets in ALL my subjects... well, except PE but I chose to go in bottom set to be with my friends.)

Then after lovely chemistry (my worst subject along with maths just so you know) I had my third worst subject PHYSICS,, and not only that I has a practical assessment (basically an exam just in the classroom) and guess what I had next lesson? PHYSICS AGAIN WOOHOO!! *please note that my typed words are DRIPPING with sarcasm right now*

And I was feeling pretty shit throughout all this thanks to my epic illness, and so what did I do? Why of course me being the baby I am just HAD to go home. Not only affecting my attendance but meaning I missed English which I do actually love and REALLY dont want to get behind on. And now my mother is going to come home and nag me about missing more school.

And frick, my shoulder/neck is killing me right now,, you know that part where your neck joins your back right in the middle of your shoulders... tbh its been hurting me for years now. I think its my school bags, seriously my school should invest in lockers.

Oh back to my bad day ranting shall we? ;)

So I get home and my internet is on the blink again,, and then when my dad comes home he tells me that my grandmother is in hospital cause she hasnt eaten for 3 days and thats messed with her diabetes. So yeah, I'm absolutely brilliant right now.

Jeez, I need a drink...

5th Jan

So my family and I are going on holiday in February, Florida. And let me tell you this. I am dreading it.

I hate holidays I hate being away from home. I can barely last a couple of hours in the city centre without my illness flaring up, how am I meant to last 10 fucking days in fucking America with a shitty rental car that stinks so much I feel sick before I've even got to the hotel.

Seriously, 10 days with my family is a NIGHTMARE, I'm a pretty simple person I like my alone time I mean if they just left me by the hotel pool with my ipod and a couple of books I think it would be the best holiday ever. But no, WE have to go and EXPLORE! Go on shitty nature walks to get bitten by bug and see alligators (honestly you see one you've seen them all so what is the fricking point) or go and find little cafes and restaurants so that my father can stuff his face with greasy American food, I mean seriously cause THATS not gonna make me sick? I DONT WANT TO SEE TWO TURTLES FUCKING EACH OTHER OR EAT KEY LIME PIE I WANT TO CHILL!! Isn't that what your supposed to do on Holiday? Not get stressed out.

Cause seriously if they're dragging my around Florida all day I will be o stressed out, I mean my brain will go into overdrive thinking through escape routes. Cause thats what I do when I'm panicking, I dont even realise I'm panicking I try to be so rational I end up irrational! I'm allways thinking if I do THIS then this might happen but if I do THIS that will happen, it gives me a headache and I just end up melting down and either having a panic attack or crying bot of which I know my father wont be able to handle and then if he gets mad I'll get mad and it'll just ruin the whole holiday.

And yes I know he said we didnt HAVE to go on holiday if I didnt want to but my mum wanted to, she got pissed last time I stopped us going on holiday. And honestly right now I hate her for pressuring me into this. Its going to be a nightmare. HELL OF EARTH!

And I can guarantee when we get back I will not speak to them. Which I have never done before but I swear this is just pushing me over the edge, I'm freaking out already and we have another month before we go!

Seriously I dont see why they cant just leave me at the pool, I want to read I want to chill. THAT is my idea of a holiday, READING. I have an imagination that I like to use, I dont have to actually SEE stuff tat I DONT GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT. But I know if I ask this then my dad will get pissed off like 'Its a holiday, I'm not spending bla bla amount of money just so you can read.' so technically hes just paying a shitload of money to TORTURE ME! Thanks a fucking lot father. And my mother ill be like oh no, you might get snatched. I'm like hello I've been to foreign countries on my own before. I'm not stupid I can take care of myself. Hell, I am the most independent person I know. Seriously in YEAR 7 when I was ELEVEN I managed a holiday in France on my own. Yeah it was a school trip but the teachers were only there for the coach ride the rest of the time I WAS ON MY OWN, occasionally ONE friend, but most of the time she wouldn't go on the rides with me so I went on my OWN, and if your thinking 'but that was an amusement park' I'll have you know that the year after I went to the coast of France with a different totally irresponsible friend may I add (she tried to hook up with some random guy she met in the street, AT 13!) and we were on our own again (the teachers let us do whatever) and I managed to look after us both, we didnt get kidnapped! And I'd be in the HOTEL! no ones gonna snatch me out of the HOTEL I wouldn't let them, I may be small but dont think I cant pack a punch, I'm not a freaking 5 year old. And I have the common sense not to talk to strangers or go into random peoples hotel rooms. In another year I'll be going on holidays COMPLETELY on my own (well with friends but you know what I mean). Why cant they just let me stay, swim and sleep?

Seriously, I just want to read a book by the pool with my ipod in. Then go back to the hotel room watch a movie and fall asleep. And maybe one day go to Hot Topic to look at band merchandise.

I mean I DO love my family and all but god, I hate them, they drive me insane I CANNOT put up with them for 10 days, I can NOT go out EVERY SINGLE DAY for TEN days! I'm lethargic (often mistaken as lazy but I'm honestly not, I wish I had the energy to do stuff but I seriously dont) and miserable and cranky, pain makes you that way and I dont really want them watching me being in pain so I'll end up pushing them away. I psycho analyse stuff a lot I know.

They have no idea about my condition, they dont feel the pain, the panic I mean yeah they WATCH me go through it but they only see a tiny fraction of it. TINY FRACTION!! They have no clue! They dont know what goes through my head or body. Hell they know nothing. And all this ranting may sound selfish but this illness is MY burden to bear, they (well my mom) has had to deal with it enough, getting of work for hospital appointments and stuff but THEY WILL SUFFER WITH ME I DONT WANT THEM TO BUT THEY WILL!! I have no control over this illness it will consume me and if they are with me it will consume them as well. A black hole of misery.

... So that is my rant about why I do not want to go on holiday. Oh and also I'm missing a concert of a great band thats coming to my city xO

3rd Jan

I love my bedroom, its the one place that I can be myself in, I dont have to pretend to be 'fine', that I'm not sick and not in pain. I can be mental and spaztic, I can get lost in my imagination and write or I can get lost in other peoples imaginations by reading or watching a film.

You know I recon you could communicate through music and songs alone... say if you were mute or something you could send songs telling people how you feel,, there seems to be a song for everything... every emotion, every experience.

I am so sick of being sick, I'm always lethargic and in pain, the fear is just overpowering. I've given up hope of living the life I want, where I can be spontaneous and lively. I'm just sick, you know?

How depressing am I today? x'D

27th Dec

Ok so I dont really use this as much,, I really tweet instead but uhmmm...

It was christmas two days ago,, and an awesome one at that, I got the CDs I asked for and plenty of band merch... so yeah... New years next ;D

18 Dec

Nomnomnom... lalala posting a banner I made... not for me.

So I ended up walking out of my exam... which means I have to go back monday... and I'll prbably miss my cousins party... SUCKISH!!

Stupid panicillnessflustuff... YEAH I HAVE FLU!! Dx

CHRISTMAS IN A WEEK :D

So yeahh... BOOGA :)

OMG SEX HAS LEGS!!

AND ITS WALKING RIGHT TOWARDS ME!! O.O

11th Dec

Gah!! I haven't posted in a while again! I've had so much on... My mocks started this week today I had 3 exams, 5 test papers... I'm shattered right now xD

I have to go in the drama studio for most of my exams with all the people who need extra time cause of my social phobia... though I dont have extra time I still feel stupid. And people probably think I'm stupid if they dont know I'm in the top sets... *sigh*

I have a couple more exams tomorrow and then loads next week... kill me now xD

CHRISTMAS SOON!! I am not actually in THAT much of a Christmas mood... I've only put up 2 of our xmas trees.. theres one more that I need to put up but to be honest I don't think anyone can be bothered x'3

I haven't got an advent calendar either which seems to shock everyone... and I'm not giving out xmas cards cause no one is in cause of the exams... well they are I have gotten a few but I can'y be bothered :P

We are MEANT to be in school according to our headmaster (who is a total dickhead,, I'll explain why after) but our head of year says we can have study leave... I went to school yesterday even though I ad no exams and there was no more than 5 people in ANY of my classes except math and my math teacher didnt turn up!! shes hopeless seriously I do not get that at all.

Anyway the reason my headmaster is a jerk? He was so rude to me the other day... yes my uniform was wrong so he stopped me and wrote in my planer telling me to go into his office the next day (he was NOT impressed with my TokioHotelified planner... his face xD lmao!) and so when I asked him where his office was cause I dont know do I? Its not like I get in trouble, he walked right past me... and its not that he didnt see or hear me cause I spoke loud and stood in front of him... so I went in correct uniform the next day and he still had a go at me! Well stuff that I'm wearing what I want thanks.

Anyhow I'll leave you with this picture... made me laugh so hard... aww Tomi (L) xD

25th Nov

Hmmm... so coursework and illness is whats up with me recently.

For some reason this morning I decided to go into school in proper uniform (including the jumper!) which I never do,, and I decided to leave off my usual eyeliner and dark eye makeup. I have no idea why I did, maybe I was just tired of people commenting on my makeup? well THAT didn't work,, all I got was "Ohmygawd,, I cant get over how different you look!!" I cant win. Anywayyyy back to the point, today we had a meeting with our deputy in school about our grades and attendance (coughcough),, and if I HAD been in my usual attire I'm sure he would have had ago at me as hes really strict.

Anyways,, about my grades,, in some of my subjects I'm on an A,,, AND I'M STILL UNDERACHIEVING??? I MEAN WTF!!!! AN A IS GOOD!!!!!!!!! I AIN'T NO GENIUS HERE!

so anywayssss,, he started talking about my attendance... now that was awkward,, I had to explain about my illness and shit AND THE DOOR WAS WIDE FUCKING OPEN IN THE SIXTH FORM!!!!! THE SIXTH FORM!!! (where may I add BILL could have been),, even though I dont like him anymore (but I saw him swimming the other week,, his body is FINEEE!!) *goes off in dreamworld* uhhh where was I?? Oh yeahh and then I made the teacher feel all guilty... I hate people pitying me D:

So yeahh,, I am back to my amazing photo editing shit xD

I made new fanfic covers for my story,, They're posted above,, I was quite proud of myself ;D

CHRISTMAS IN A MONTH!!! I'm allready listening to my xmas tunesss. My faves have to be Last Christmas-Wham and Christmas time (Don't let the bells end)-The Darkness ^.^

Bye for now :)

17th Nov

Oh my, I haven't posted in forever (feel BAD Tokiogirl!!)

Weeeeelll... I have my mocks coming up before xmas a a fuckload of coursework deadlines. THATS MY EXCUSE!! xDD

plus,, theres not really a lot I have to discuss D:

I SAW BARNEYYY,, the purple pedophile you know the one kids ;)

well well well... yeahh thats it, sorry for such a crappy update!! D8

Oh yeahh,, I was really happy cause Tokio Hotel totally PWNED the JonASS brothers at the EMAs, they beat them for an award (why were the AMERICAN band nominated for the EMAs anyways?) and yeahh their performance rocked...

I'll try to find something interesting in my life that I feel good enough discussing.

I'll just leave you with some lovely pictures of The Sunset Triplets and Tokio Hotel to make up for it.

Sorry, byee :)

24th Oct

OK so today I was in a brilliant mood, I was having an awesome hair day without even doing anything to my hair! I'd gone shopping in my city's new mall (getting lost multiple times XD) I'd gotten some new coloured skinnys, and some makeup that I wanted and I even got a Tokio Hotel 2010 16 month calendar that starts September this year MEANING that I could finally throw away my Jonas Brother calendar AND the calendar also came with stickers so I managed to pimp up my school planner,, but then I go look in the mirror and what to I find MAJOR BREAKOUT!! major buzz kill. And ok to some people it may not seem so major but for me it is,, and also I feel obese I've managed to gain another pound which means in about 3 months I've put on 5 or 6 pounds, and yeah I may have grown a little and yeah my boobs are a little bigger but I think due the the amount of exercise I do (next to nothing) and the fact that I'm eating more,, bleh :)) And yet I'm still eating a biscuit... way to go!

Lol, I posted my fanfic!! and made a banner (which I've posted above) my second chapter just got validated and I've started on the 3rd so yay!!

Anyways I'm missing XFactor so SHABAM! (that was me leaving ;))