5 years later...

Yes it's been five years since my last post. And I suppose if anyone has ever read this they are wondering... does it get better? 

No. It doesn't. 

Sorry to be a downer but life is life. I actually found reading through the last couple of my posts that I am freaking out about the same things... mostly: 'Every freaking day I'm worrying about my future, how I'm going to deal with this I mean I want a good job, how am I gonna get that if I can barely get out of the freaking house?'

Because that's the thing. Before I was worrying about the distant future, with the hope that I would have sorted my shit out by then. Now it is the very near future, and I know my shit isn't going to get sorted. 

So you may be asking. What's happened while you've been away? Where are you now? 

Well I am in my final year of university. Shocker I know. I even took a year abroad to post-pone the inevitable: Graduating. 

On top of my crippling social phobia, OCD and depression (oh yes, its back with a vengeance) I have the lovely addition of self harming and an eating disorder.

Yeah. Remember the whole 'the only good thing about my illness is that I lost weight'. Well you know what happens when you go on prozac and no longer starve yourself? You become morbidly obese. Well if you're me you do. And what happens to a teenage who rapidly gains weight? She of course makes herself sick.

I'm 21, and have never been able to hold down a job. And seeing as I can barely go to the 5 uni classes I have a week due to my anxiety I don't know how the hell I am going to hold down a job.

Believe me I've tried. Last summer I had a part time job, but it was literally babysitting so I didn't have to leave the house and I got payed less than the minimum wage. There is no way I'd survive off that. This summer I took a work experience in an office. Full-time and I barely lasted the week. I was having a anxiety attack on the train every morning. 

And the depression holy moly the depression. I have moved to a town half an hour away from my university because I thought the fresh air would do me good. I mean yeah its nice. But living in bloody Hawaii won't stop me from wanting to kill myself you know? It doesn't matter where I am I'm still going to have problems. 

I remember my post before; 'if something goes wrong I can always move'. How naive was I? I guess technically when I do become homeless because I can't get a job I could move. Move from park to park until I get raped and murdered. Sweet release. 

Because you know, what else can I do. I can't live with my parent's I'd end up killing myself. I doubt I'm eligible for benefits, and really living in a council house, probably a shared house? I'd kill myself. Yeah stick the person who is scared of people in a house filled with people. 

Oh yeah, I didn't tell you the best bit. Through maturing and going through many new experiences, being a student and having to live with new people.... I am more scared of them than ever. 

People are horrible and scary and before I used to just be afraid of embarrassment and failure, which yes I still am. But now I have to be afraid of being sexually assaulted in my own home and living with sexists, racists and homophobes. I mean alas, I am currently in a safe haven for the next few months having found a lovely female housemate, but this wont last forever, soon my student savings will be dried up and I have no idea what I am going to do. What am I going to do with my life? 

I am always anxious. Never able to relax. Never able to be happy. I can spend an afternoon walking along a beach in the perfect weather and... nothing. I still come home stressed and wishing I was dead.  

And what I said before about how 'I dont belive its right to take your own life for no reason when you could use it to help other people instead'... I don't think I believe that anymore. 

Its been a while...

So I passed all my exams and have left school, off to start college instead. And I am petrified.

I still have severe social phobia but the good news is my depression doesnt seem to have come back strongly like it usually does over the summer holidays.

Friendwise, none of them care seeing as NO ONE is joining me at this new college, they are all staying at my school's sixth form. Only my bestfriend sees me and goes out to the cinema now and again (mainly because shes fallen out with everyone else) now other than a quick run in with a few on results day.

I am still petrified of people though, like seriously if I could live inside my bedroom all my life I would, I dont even like sitting down to watch TV with my family, but I need to get over it.

Its more the embarrasment of my illness than anything the problem is my illness is brought on by anxiety and it causes the anxiety aswell so really its just a vicious cycle.

And the hospital gave up on me, there was 'nothing they could do' so just discharged me as they didnt want to prescribe me anti-anxiety pills or anything. Fucking dhfuigrui

And well yeah, life sucks. I seriously want there to be a moment where someone is in trouble and needs rescuing so I can just go in there and save the day and die a hero. You know because I dont belive itss right to take your own life for no reason when you could use it to help other people instead. And then maybe my family wouldnt be so upset, because you know I helped someone else live and died for a reason.

PLUS the only good thing I ever had about my illness was that I lost weight but now I'm heavier than I have ever been... EVER I am soooo fat right now I swear I can only fit into about 4 pairs of my jeans.

I am seriously going to have a panic attack on my first day of college and I'll be known as a freak forever.

I just need to remember that if everything goes wrong and I embarrass myself so bad I can always move... maybe to the London or if its REALLY bad New York (though american food sucks) or Australia.

Anyway, Thats all.

Yum :)

I dont know the date.

Sooo... It seems unfair that my 'obsession' with the Kaulitz twins seems to make everyone think I'm a lesbian but when one of my friend's is obsessed with Hannah Montana and Lady Gaga that's perfectly normal.... umm hullo at least my obsessions have PENISES!

Oh and the Florida trip was a nightmare... I have refused to go on any more family holidays,, my parents can go alone or with my sister.

So yeahhh thats all I really have to say for the moment.

Schools shit, home life is shit and yeahhh... oh not to mention people have been tweeting non-stop about the TH concerts and theyre not even coming to my country EVEN THOUGH THEY FUCKING REHEARSED HERE!! WITHOUT ME KNOWING!! D:

So yeahh,, thanks a lot dudes -.-

Also,, I got these awesome combat boots (I've been looking for some for months,, inspired by Bill... I seriously wear more dudes clothes than girls nowadays xD) and wore them to school... I got a lot of people asking where I got them from so I'm thinking they might copy,, which sucks cause I totally made the school uniform ROCK whilst making sure that there was nothing the teachers could pick out and make me change... If people copy my style I am soooo going to be pissed. Its like really cool, grey and black scarf and leather jacket with black skinny jeans (school polo top) and the jeans tucked into the boots... and if I want to wear grey socks I could... rings and bracelets optional ;D

So yeahh,, on the up side since the Florida trip my cats been a lot more affectionate... or needy. Which I guess is good if you like to be covered in cat hair ;)

So yeahhh thats all I have to say for now, Peace out :))

3rd Feb

Dont you just hate stomach aches? Only I dont get NORMAL stomach aches I get these fucking IBS ones... and I have SEVERE IBS, constant fucking pain. They're much worse than stomach aches believe me I get both CONSTANTLY. But whatever, Deal.

I got discharged from the hospital last week, not because I'm better but because they gave up on me. Theres nothing they could do! But tbh, after two - almost three years with this I'm giving up on me too.

So I'm going a bit book crazy atm, so many I've ordered even though I was SUPPOSED to be saving my money for Florida...

Holidays are really bad luck for me lol. I'm over complaining about it cause it wont make a difference. But I mean, every time we go to America one of our pets dies and we only have the cat left now... I should get a pet caterpillar or something ;). And I ALWAYS have an accident whether its getting dragged out to sea on an inflatable killer whale and having to be rescued or just tripping over and grabbing hold to a free before I fall on my face only to have my hands graze all down the tree and leave me with over 20 splinters in my hands for the rest of the holiday LMAO. So yeah, I'm a holiday omen, and now with the IBS worse than ever...

Yeah the doctor, scary man, told be to go BACK on my old medication so I did... two days later I am in agony seriously my stomach was so swollen I felt and looked pregnant! God and I missed more school... I seriously haven't been in a full week of school in forever.

My attendance of course sucks, which will hinder my future. I want to go to this catholic college next year, but if they see my attendance records before I can explain in an interview I'm basically screwed. And if I DO get in I'm still crewed cause its not like this illness will magically disappear, I'm in for life. Sucks, but its true.

So yeahh,, I dont know if I ever MENTIONED my actual physical illness before... I know I mentioned my social anxieties and such but yeah. I dont talk about my IBS, its embarrassing I mean who wants to know about that stuff right? LOL

So yeah, Every freaking day I'm worrying about my future, how I'm going to deal with this I mean I want a good job, how am I gonna get that if I can barely get out of the freaking house?

On a brighter note I'm dealing mentally a lot better. My mum seems to think I'm getting better so the act is working :)

I'm also going to more parties, but thats just coincidence I think... but I pulled out of prom. I dont want to go. I mean why should I pay a shitload of money for a dress I'm going to wear once in a crappy hotel hall... probably with no date cause I know my friends all made a pact to go together even if they have boyfriends... which if you ask me is just stupid. Mind you nearly all the boys in my year are GROSS AS! Seriously, my school needs more hotties I really need to get into that college ;)

On Wednesdays for games we go down to the local leisure centre to use the gym. Usually I see my fittie 'friend' (though hes not really my friend anymore... we dont speak, just smile at each other when we cross paths... hes the Bill guy I always talk about) going for a swim, hes gotta nice body. Only he wasnt there today much to my friends disappointment, she was so bummed it was hilarious, I mean I'm not really that bothered he was a bit too bulky for my liking I just liked his face... so yeah but we played table tennis so I was happy!

I have loadsa coursework deadlines for next week which I am SO behind on. Oh my god. I have an English essay and my Business coursework to do as well as a SHITLOAD of art -facepalm- I have only one weekend to do it in and I'm going to a party Saturday and Friday evening is no good either... so I've basically got Saturday morning and Sunday to do it all.

Anyways that was an insight into my amazing life, I'm late for bed now. G'night :D

18th Jan

So I've had a brilliant day today *note the sarcasm*

Before I start my joyous rant I would like to say that I found a good YouTube artist,, check out LawsonsLyrics, Darren the singer is pretty good and the songs are catchy,, I especially love Get Around I Love You,, and Mindi-Lou is sooo sad but sweet. And theres one Cant Escape My Love I THINK its called, yeah well if anyone actually read this, you can check him out ;)

First thing I had a chemistry exam which wasnt too bad expect exams scare me shitless with my social phobia and all being locked in a room for up to 3 hours with a shitload of students = scary. Granted they put me in the special rooms with all the dumb kids who get extra time but that just makes me feel retarded. Especially when people ask me why I'm in there, cause it looks like I'm dumb (which FYI I am not, I am in top sets in ALL my subjects... well, except PE but I chose to go in bottom set to be with my friends.)

Then after lovely chemistry (my worst subject along with maths just so you know) I had my third worst subject PHYSICS,, and not only that I has a practical assessment (basically an exam just in the classroom) and guess what I had next lesson? PHYSICS AGAIN WOOHOO!! *please note that my typed words are DRIPPING with sarcasm right now*

And I was feeling pretty shit throughout all this thanks to my epic illness, and so what did I do? Why of course me being the baby I am just HAD to go home. Not only affecting my attendance but meaning I missed English which I do actually love and REALLY dont want to get behind on. And now my mother is going to come home and nag me about missing more school.

And frick, my shoulder/neck is killing me right now,, you know that part where your neck joins your back right in the middle of your shoulders... tbh its been hurting me for years now. I think its my school bags, seriously my school should invest in lockers.

Oh back to my bad day ranting shall we? ;)

So I get home and my internet is on the blink again,, and then when my dad comes home he tells me that my grandmother is in hospital cause she hasnt eaten for 3 days and thats messed with her diabetes. So yeah, I'm absolutely brilliant right now.

Jeez, I need a drink...

5th Jan

So my family and I are going on holiday in February, Florida. And let me tell you this. I am dreading it.

I hate holidays I hate being away from home. I can barely last a couple of hours in the city centre without my illness flaring up, how am I meant to last 10 fucking days in fucking America with a shitty rental car that stinks so much I feel sick before I've even got to the hotel.

Seriously, 10 days with my family is a NIGHTMARE, I'm a pretty simple person I like my alone time I mean if they just left me by the hotel pool with my ipod and a couple of books I think it would be the best holiday ever. But no, WE have to go and EXPLORE! Go on shitty nature walks to get bitten by bug and see alligators (honestly you see one you've seen them all so what is the fricking point) or go and find little cafes and restaurants so that my father can stuff his face with greasy American food, I mean seriously cause THATS not gonna make me sick? I DONT WANT TO SEE TWO TURTLES FUCKING EACH OTHER OR EAT KEY LIME PIE I WANT TO CHILL!! Isn't that what your supposed to do on Holiday? Not get stressed out.

Cause seriously if they're dragging my around Florida all day I will be o stressed out, I mean my brain will go into overdrive thinking through escape routes. Cause thats what I do when I'm panicking, I dont even realise I'm panicking I try to be so rational I end up irrational! I'm allways thinking if I do THIS then this might happen but if I do THIS that will happen, it gives me a headache and I just end up melting down and either having a panic attack or crying bot of which I know my father wont be able to handle and then if he gets mad I'll get mad and it'll just ruin the whole holiday.

And yes I know he said we didnt HAVE to go on holiday if I didnt want to but my mum wanted to, she got pissed last time I stopped us going on holiday. And honestly right now I hate her for pressuring me into this. Its going to be a nightmare. HELL OF EARTH!

And I can guarantee when we get back I will not speak to them. Which I have never done before but I swear this is just pushing me over the edge, I'm freaking out already and we have another month before we go!

Seriously I dont see why they cant just leave me at the pool, I want to read I want to chill. THAT is my idea of a holiday, READING. I have an imagination that I like to use, I dont have to actually SEE stuff tat I DONT GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT. But I know if I ask this then my dad will get pissed off like 'Its a holiday, I'm not spending bla bla amount of money just so you can read.' so technically hes just paying a shitload of money to TORTURE ME! Thanks a fucking lot father. And my mother ill be like oh no, you might get snatched. I'm like hello I've been to foreign countries on my own before. I'm not stupid I can take care of myself. Hell, I am the most independent person I know. Seriously in YEAR 7 when I was ELEVEN I managed a holiday in France on my own. Yeah it was a school trip but the teachers were only there for the coach ride the rest of the time I WAS ON MY OWN, occasionally ONE friend, but most of the time she wouldn't go on the rides with me so I went on my OWN, and if your thinking 'but that was an amusement park' I'll have you know that the year after I went to the coast of France with a different totally irresponsible friend may I add (she tried to hook up with some random guy she met in the street, AT 13!) and we were on our own again (the teachers let us do whatever) and I managed to look after us both, we didnt get kidnapped! And I'd be in the HOTEL! no ones gonna snatch me out of the HOTEL I wouldn't let them, I may be small but dont think I cant pack a punch, I'm not a freaking 5 year old. And I have the common sense not to talk to strangers or go into random peoples hotel rooms. In another year I'll be going on holidays COMPLETELY on my own (well with friends but you know what I mean). Why cant they just let me stay, swim and sleep?

Seriously, I just want to read a book by the pool with my ipod in. Then go back to the hotel room watch a movie and fall asleep. And maybe one day go to Hot Topic to look at band merchandise.

I mean I DO love my family and all but god, I hate them, they drive me insane I CANNOT put up with them for 10 days, I can NOT go out EVERY SINGLE DAY for TEN days! I'm lethargic (often mistaken as lazy but I'm honestly not, I wish I had the energy to do stuff but I seriously dont) and miserable and cranky, pain makes you that way and I dont really want them watching me being in pain so I'll end up pushing them away. I psycho analyse stuff a lot I know.

They have no idea about my condition, they dont feel the pain, the panic I mean yeah they WATCH me go through it but they only see a tiny fraction of it. TINY FRACTION!! They have no clue! They dont know what goes through my head or body. Hell they know nothing. And all this ranting may sound selfish but this illness is MY burden to bear, they (well my mom) has had to deal with it enough, getting of work for hospital appointments and stuff but THEY WILL SUFFER WITH ME I DONT WANT THEM TO BUT THEY WILL!! I have no control over this illness it will consume me and if they are with me it will consume them as well. A black hole of misery.

... So that is my rant about why I do not want to go on holiday. Oh and also I'm missing a concert of a great band thats coming to my city xO

3rd Jan

I love my bedroom, its the one place that I can be myself in, I dont have to pretend to be 'fine', that I'm not sick and not in pain. I can be mental and spaztic, I can get lost in my imagination and write or I can get lost in other peoples imaginations by reading or watching a film.

You know I recon you could communicate through music and songs alone... say if you were mute or something you could send songs telling people how you feel,, there seems to be a song for everything... every emotion, every experience.

I am so sick of being sick, I'm always lethargic and in pain, the fear is just overpowering. I've given up hope of living the life I want, where I can be spontaneous and lively. I'm just sick, you know?

How depressing am I today? x'D

27th Dec

Ok so I dont really use this as much,, I really tweet instead but uhmmm...

It was christmas two days ago,, and an awesome one at that, I got the CDs I asked for and plenty of band merch... so yeah... New years next ;D

18 Dec

Nomnomnom... lalala posting a banner I made... not for me.

So I ended up walking out of my exam... which means I have to go back monday... and I'll prbably miss my cousins party... SUCKISH!!

Stupid panicillnessflustuff... YEAH I HAVE FLU!! Dx

CHRISTMAS IN A WEEK :D

So yeahh... BOOGA :)